sweet sunrises

Who I Am

     Sometimes, I feel like it’s easy to forget you who are when you become so focused on everything that’s going on around you.  It seems easy to become wrapped up in what you are, instead of who you are.  People become so wrapped up in being a student, an employee, a parent, in the responsibilities of what they have to do in their life, that it’s so easy to forget you who are.  What you’re passionate about  What makes you happy. 

     I don’t ever want to forget myself.

I’m kind and caring — I care about people, I’m thoughtful, kind hearted, and have understanding and empathy for others.  It hurts me to see other people hurt, and I’m the kind of person who will try to figure out how to ease the pain of someone else.

I’m passionate — “A lack of passion is fatal.”  If I don’t have passion for something I’m doing, I won’t do it.  Whether it is something as big as a goal, or a relationship, or something as small as what I want to do that day, if there is no passion, it’s not worth it to me.  Life is too short to waste it on doing things we don’t love.  I don’t believe we were given life to be sad, exhausted, and bored, which is why I put my heart into everything I do.

I’m a fighter — I fight for what I love.  I fight for people, I fight for what is fair, I fight for what I want, and I fight for what I deserve.  Sometimes, I’m sure it can become incredibly annoying, and I even annoy myself with it, but even when I lose, I can find satisfaction in knowing I fought.

I’m a good friend — I try hard to be a good friend.  I want to be the kind of friend people can rely and depend on.  I want to be the kind of friend my friends know they can come to.  Even if it’s not always the right answer or good advice, I hope my friends know that I am always there for them, will always listen, put myself in their shoes, and speak from my heart.

I’m a good sister — and no one can ever take that away from me.

I’m smart - I’m a hell of a lot smarter than I give myself credit for.  If I put my mind to it, I can do it.  God gave me a smart, strong mind and I have no intentions of putting it to waste.

I’m a good girlfriend — I had to think about this one for a minute.  Thinking about my last relationship, I don’t know if I felt like a “good” girlfriend.  There’s times when I’m immature, emotional, clingy, and difficult to be with.  There’s times when I let other people see me weak, times that I cry when I should walk away, times when I give in when I should be better at what I bring to the table, and times when I should insist on what I deserve in a relationship and not accept any less.  So, no, at the first glance, I don’t feel like a “good” girlfriend.  But you know what?  I am.  Thinking of the last relationship I was in, and ways that I acted, I can truly say that I put in as much of my heart as I could.  I didn’t let past hurts keep me from opening up, and I didn’t put up walls.  I used to dislike that I wasn’t able to keep this person from getting to me, and to an extent, yes I am guarded and I think it is healthy to be, but I would rather risk being hurt than blocking myself off to something that could be beautiful.  I look back and realize that I was caring and loving.  I wanted this person to be happy, and I wanted to be what they needed.  Looking back on my relationships and the girlfriend, fiance, wife, whatever I will end up being, I am extremely faithful and I want to earn trust from the person I am with.  I wanted to be passionately wanted, and not someone who is a burden.  I want to be passionate and jump head first into life with someone, not hold back, or be held back, by anyone or anything.  One of the most important things that I have learned is that while I want the person I want to want me and everything that I am..I am enough just the way I am.  Sure, there are things you work on in yourself for someone, but when the right man comes along, whether he already has or not, I will be loved for exactly who I am, and that person won’t need me to change to be in love with me.

And this.. is just part of who I am. <3

The Bucket List. :)

I use that term loosely -

I definitely don’t plan on kicking the bucket any time soon, seeing as I’m eighteen and healthy, *knock on wood*, but you never know, so this is my..

Bucket List..

Kick Ass Life List..

and my Things that I Must Do Before I Have Kids List.

I hope you find some inspiration from it! :)

• Hold my little brother in my arms again & do whatever it takes to help him succeed and be the happiest person he can be.  (Married, single, mother, student, I don’t care what my situation is, this will ALWAYS be at the top of my list.  I have peace because I know this day WILL come. <3)

• Go ziplining
• Go to the beach for two weeks
• Go on a two week road trip with NO destination
• Learn how to snowboard & get over my fear of snow
• Swim with dolphins
• Own a Shelby Mustang
• Learn how to play guitar
• Tell at least 10 people about my bucket list & encourage them to do the same
• Join a volleyball team
• Hang out with John Mayer
• Go to NYC for two weeks
• Buy a pair of gorgeous, completely impractical, stilettos
• Go on a cruise
• Kiss under fireworks
• Save a significant amount of money
• Learn how to wakeboard
• Go skydiving
• Go parasailing
• Go waterskiing
• Go line dancing
• Visit London/UK
• Fly a plane
• Create an apartment I love
• Embrace the love of my life
• Write & publish a book
• Fly in a hot air balloon
• Have a beach photoshoot
• Learn to surf
• Climb a mountain
• Sing karaoke
• Hang out with children in the hospital
• Reunite a birth parent/child
• Learn how to Salsa
• Learn how to belly dance
• Ride a mechanical bull
• Go white water rafting
• Experience weightlessness
• Meet Nicholas Sparks
• Have a happiness project
• Pierce my belly button
• Build a Habitat for Humanity home
• Donate blood
• Go geocaching
• Adopt a pet from the animal shelter
• Go to Time’s Square for New Year’s Eve
• Try Gumbo
• Spend time in Charleston
  

my journey to happiness. :)

What if…

Life didn’t have to be this way?  If it didn’t have to be so hard?  If everyday didn’t have to hurt?  What if you went on your own adventure to seek out happiness, letting nothing and no one be in control of your happiness, besides YOU?  What if your past didn’t have to make you so damn sad everyday?  What if you were EXCITED about life again, instead of just fighting to make it through the day?

The “what if” is exactly what I intend to figure out.  I’m so damn tired of feeling like this, of learning to live half alive, of just getting through the day.  I miss the passion & the SPARK I had for life.  I’m tired of being bored.  I’m tired of being lonely.  I’m tired of letting other people decide when I’m allowed to be happy.

Obviously, you can’t make all the hurt & sad go right away..if I could, I wouldn’t be feeling like this right now, ha, but until you do something to change where you are in life, you will always be stuck, & “stuck” is something I’m tired of feeling.  Stuck, trapped, sad, low are not adjectives that should describe your life or my life.  Fun, happy, adventure, and spontaneity are words I would rather use.

So…

*drumroll*

I’ve decided to start a Bucket List. :)  If you haven’t seen the movie, please do!  It’s so good.  The idea is simple.  What would you regret NOT doing if today was your last day?  This kind of hit me today when the song, “If I Die Young”, came on the radio.  One line in particular.

“What I never did is done.”

Life is NOT done.  I may be knocked down right now, but I’m not out forever.  I still have time to do whatever I set my mind to, so why not come up with a list of things that I want to do for me?  It’s okay to be a little selfish sometimes, because guess what?  Nobody else is going to do it for you, at lease not the people I’ve met.  So from here on out, I’ve decided to be in charge of my happiness.  Starting with this list.  I’ll add on as I think of more ideas. :)

* Climb a mountain

* Sing karaoke

* Go to NYC

* Have a convo with John Mayer (Laugh all you want, it will happen. : )

* Publish a book

* Buy a guitar & learn how to play it

* Do a beach photoshoot

* Learn to surf

* Read to children in the hospital

Some of these may require a little more planning lol, like going to NYC, but who says you can’t do what you want to do?  Who says you can’t sit down and write a book?  Who says you can’t play on the beach?  Who says life has to be lived in these tiny, repetitive, BORING, boxes?  I’m breaking out of my box, & I hope you do the same. :)

perception & other things. :)

Lately, I’ve been trying to look at things in my life differently, and I have been a LOT more joyful since then.

For example…

* Instead of complaining that I’m sick & tired of school, I’ve tried to start being THANKFUL that I’m even in school.  I’m thankful that I live in a country that allows people to higher their education.  I’m thankful that women are encouraged to be strong minded, intelligent, educated individuals.

* Instead of not wanting to go to work, I’m THANKFUL that I have a job.  How many people do you know looking for work?  How many homeless people do you pass by on your way to work everyday, that would love to have your job?  During these times, employment is a gift.

* Instead of complaining about the little things that add up every day  (( “Oh, I don’t want to make dinner.”  “Oh, I don’t want to do the groceries.”  “Oh, I don’t want to do my laundry.”  etc. etc. )) I’m trying to realize that these things are all gifts.  How many people would love to be able to wake up every day and take a hot shower?  Seriously!  This is a luxury compared to how a LOT of the world lives.  How many people would love to know that everyday they get to feel clean & refreshed?  How many times have you complained about having to make your meals?  How many people would love to be able to make a hot meal?  The next one is something that seems not so important, but if you really think about it, it is.  Last night, I was in a terrible mood and had a terrible day.  It was storming outside and I needed to go shopping for everything.  (Groceries, bathroom stuff, boring boring.)  I was in an even worse mood about it, and was just being a grump.  Then my own ideas on how you percieve things hit me.  How many hungry moms, dads, and children would have loved to be in my position?  How many college students go through the day hungry, because they can’t afford food?  How many children are sent to school without lunches?  As far as I’m concerned, something as little as grocery shopping is an extraordinary gift.

Also.. just some food for thought..

How many people do you pass by a day?  How many clerks do you see when you go shopping?  How many students do you pass by in school?  How many teachers do you listen to a day?

Think about how many peoples’ day you could brighten, just by giving a simple gesture, such as a smile, or sincerely asking how their day has been.  Everyone wants to feel important and noticed.  Even by asking the checker at the grocery store or the “sandwich artist” at Subway how their day was, and meaning it, can do a lot for a person.

I’ve made it a point lately to try to tell every person I come in contact with to simply have a great day, and to say it with a smile, whether it’s an employee, a student, or a patient I’m speaking with on the phone.  (People can hear smiles. :)  You may notice that someone who usually comes across as rude, arrogant, etc. etc., may just need a little touch of kindness to their day. :)

There’s my two cents for the day!

everything :)

I just want to start out by saying I don’t write out problems in my personal life on here to attract attention or to gain sympathy..if that was why I did this, I would probably try to get more than.. two followers, haha.  To me, this is like a diary, and a form of self expression to work on personal growth, and I hope if you, whoever you are, happen to come across it, that you find happiness in my happiness, learn from my mistakes, (although I think usually you have to learn from your own), or otherwise find some sort of inspiration from this.

I have a lot to say so this will all probably be very out of order. :)  

What is your purpose in life?  I was reading a friend’s blog the other day about how someone asked her if she knew what her purpose in life was, and began thinking about my own.  As many times as I’ve changed my mind about things in my life, I feel blessed to have, ever since I was a little girl, know what my purpose in life is.  I know inside of my soul that my purpose in life is to help children, most likely through the medical field.  I think that some people spend their lives not knowing where their calling is, and in this aspect, I have been blessed beyond belief to not have to spend my life searching.  I that, that of course, you have more than one purpose in life.  I’m a friend, sister, daughter, and there are many things I want to accomplish in my life to define my purpose, but I know that helping children is something that I will base my future profession around, so I feel very thankful to not have to spend my life searching for that.

Identity -

I suppose this is something that, in a way, ties in with purpose, but the other day, I was feeling so weighed down with bad things that have happened to me in my life.  I was thinking about how I was treated growing up, the health problems I’ve gone through at such a young age, and just how broken an old friendship left me, and I felt so defeated, like all of these things were what made me who I am.  (In reality, I knew that wasn’t true, but depression was getting the best of me.)  I did something that was extremely hard for me to do.  I’d like to think I’m pretty good with letting go & giving things to God, but there’s been one situation that my close friends know about that I haven’t been able to let go of.  Everytime I’ve even thought about giving it to God, I immediately tuned it out of my head, because that would be like giving up full control of it, and accepting that if things don’t turn out, they don’t turn out.  “Giving up doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re strong enough to let you.”  I believe that you shouldn’t give up on someone you can’t get out of you’re heart, and if they’ve been in your heart for that long, maybe they’re meant to be there..  but there comes a time when you learn you’re worth & know that the situation isn’t good for you, and isn’t changing.  This sounds cliche, but before I fell asleep that night, I literally said out loud, “God, I give this situation fully to You, and it is in Your control.  I don’t want this in my hands anymore.”  As many tears as it brought on, and as scary as it was to say those words out loud, I felt so much peace over the situation. 

I guess I’ve gotten off of the subject of “identity” a little bit, but I think I know where I’m trying to go with this.

Anyway, that was an overly extended side note, but that was one of the things that I felt like was identifying me.  Then, I thought of one of my favorite quotes.

“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.”

Why should my identity be anything but what I decide it is?  After all, God did make me with a soul, a heart, and a brain.  I am whoever I want to be, and that is NOT a victim, not a weak person, not a broken heart, and not someone who wants to play small to the world.  I’m a daughter, a friend, a sister, an optimist, a writer, an artist, a caretaker, an open ear, someone who tries to be a light, and whatever else I feel like being. <3  I just wanted to share that, not only because I wanted to have this written for myself, but I want everyone to feel that same way. <3

Compassion -

I was telling a new friend about some of the physical limitations I was feeling lately because of the endometriosis, and I got some very good, very simple advice.  “Be compassionate to yourself.”  How often do you hear something like that?  It makes sense, too.  Just doing little things to be compassionate to yourself are so good for you, yet so overlooked.  Needless to say, I decided to take the advice that night & take a bubble bath with a glass of bubbly, hehe. :)

Yoga -

I started a yoga class, which I love!  I’m pretty sure that yoga is compassionate to my body.. but it doesn’t feel like it in the moment!  Haha.  It’s so difficult, but I already feel myself getting better, which is encouraging.  Not to say I haven’t fell on my face a few times lol.  The first few mornings after were really rough, but I think I’m starting to get used to it.

Anyway.. Drake & Josh is on & that means I need to go watch it, but this definitely felt like a good burst for my soul! :)

shining my light

I’ve realized something lately…

I don’t think I want to be a lawyer.  I don’t think that is what my heart truly wants.

For years & years, the plan was to get my BSN, and either practice nursing in the NICU, or in a pediatric oncology unit.  I have always had a heart for helping people, and it’s something that puts such joy into my heart, and makes me feel good about myself.  For years, I’ve volunteered with terminally ill children.  Seeing the happiness that these kids get from someone caring enough to just get their mind off of their pain and worry for a little while, does something amazing to you.

For the last couple years, I felt so incredibly defeated, walked on, and powerless every day.  I think that’s the main reason why my mind began to shift from nursing to being an attorney.  I wanted to do something that put me in charge, that gave me power, that let me fight and win.  Not to say that it is a bad thing, there are definitely things that need to be fought for, and whether I am a lawyer, a nurse, or a garbageman..woman.. I will ALWAYS fight for what I believe in, but I realized something..

I have spent so long in my life fighting.  Fighting to survive living in a world full of hurt, fighting to survive living with abuse, just fighting.  I don’t want to fight anymore.  I moved out, my life is back on track, and I only surround myself with positive people, and I don’t have to fight anymore.  I don’t want a job where everyday I go into something that involves conflict.  I want to go into a profession where I can share not only my education and training, but my heart and love.  I want to touch the lives of children.  I want to be their friend and I want to help take away their pain.  I want to give a child who isn’t going to make it the memories of a nurse who not only worked to heal their physical pain, but cared enough to be their friend and to help comfort them and take away the hurt in their heart.

I want to be a strong, educated, independent person who fights for what she believes in, and I want to be someone that is remembered for her kindness, compassion, and love for others.  I want to be someone who is remembered for shining her light.

thankful

- My little brother. <3

- Family & friends.

- My new job.

- Being a full time student again next semester.

- Music.

- Warmth.

- Salvation.

- Moving on.